Summary in 100 words or less
There are three types of conversations we move in and out of—practical (What’s this really about?), emotional (How do we feel?), and social (Who are we?)—and miscommunication happens when we’re not in the same kind at the same time. The goal is to create learning conversations, where we exchange perspectives and truly listen. Great communicators ask open-ended questions, repeat what they’ve heard, and share their own emotions to spark connection. Happy couples slow conflicts, control the environment, and show empathy. The best negotiators expand the pie, and stories and values-driven questions deepen trust and understanding.
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Commentary
My Highlights
Paying attention to someone’s body, alongside their voice, helps us hear them better.
How we ask a question sometimes matters more than what we ask.
There are three different conversations:
- Practical, decision-making conversations that focus on What’s This Really About?
- Emotional conversations, which ask How Do We Feel?
- Social conversations that explore Who Are We?
We are often moving in and out of all three conversations as a dialogue unfolds. However, if we aren’t having the same kind of conversation as our partners, at the same moment, we’re unlikely to connect with each other.
Our goal, for the most meaningful discussions, should be to have a “learning conversation.” Specifically, we want to learn how the people around us see the world and help them understand our perspectives in turn.
Miscommunication occurs when people are having different kinds of conversations. If you are speaking emotionally, while I’m talking practically, we are, in essence, using different cognitive languages.
Happy couples ask each other more questions, repeat what the other person said, make tension-easing jokes, get serious together. The next time you feel yourself edging toward an argument, try asking your partner: “Do you want to talk about our emotions? Or do we need to make a decision together? Or is this about something else?”
The most effective communicators pause before they speak and ask themselves: Why am I opening my mouth?
The best negotiators didn’t battle over who should get the biggest slice of pie. Rather, they focused on making the pie itself larger, finding win-win solutions where everyone walked away happier than before.
If you want the other side to appreciate your interests, begin by demonstrating that you appreciate theirs.
Stories bypass the brain’s instinct to look for reasons to be suspicious. We get drawn into stories because they feel right.
Open-ended questions are easy to find, if you focus on:
- Asking about someone’s beliefs or values (“How’d you decide to become a teacher?”)
- Asking someone to make a judgment (“Are you glad you went to law school?”)
- Asking about someone’s experiences (“What was it like to visit Europe?”)
People should talk about their emotions. When we discuss our feelings, something magical happens: Other people can’t help but listen to us. And then they start divulging emotions of their own, which causes us to listen closely in return.
If you want to connect with someone, ask them what they are feeling, and then reveal your own emotions. If others describe a painful memory or a moment of joy, and we reveal our own disappointments or what makes us proud, it provides a chance to harness the neurochemicals that have evolved to help us feel closer. It creates an opportunity for emotional contagion.
Ask others about their beliefs and values. Ask them about experiences and those moments that caused them to change. Ask how they feel, rather than about facts. Reframe your questions so they are deeper. Ask follow-ups. And as people expose their vulnerabilities, reveal something about yourself. It will be less uncomfortable than you imagine. It will be more fascinating than you think. And it might lead to a moment of true connection.
When we match or acknowledge another person’s mood and energy, we show them that we want to understand their emotional life. It’s a form of generosity that becomes empathy.
To convince others we are genuinely listening during an argument, we must prove to them that we have heard them, prove we are working hard to understand, prove we want to see things from their perspective.
The best way to do that is by repeating, in our own words, what we just heard them say—and then asking if we got it right.
Happy couples slow down the fight. They exert a lot more self-control and self-awareness.
One advantage of focusing on these three things—controlling oneself, the environment, and the boundaries of the conflict—is that it allowed happy spouses to find things they could control together. They were still fighting. They still disagreed. But, when it came to control, they were on the same side of the table.
